Cap and trade take 93

I am sick of working on this for right now, so here's a rough work in progress...

Congratulations! You may have just won a vacation! No work, just relaxing and taking it easy with the family. What could be more ideal? Little did the government know that by signing this cap and trade bill into effect, they would also be sending millions of people on vacation!
Now at this moment, you may be asking yourself, “How do I know if I’m one of the lucky ones to have earned a vacation?!” Well, here’s how you can tell: do you work for a manufacturing company? Do you work in a coal mine? Do you work at any company that will be required to dramatically cut down emissions? If you have answered yes to any of the previous questions, you have pretty much guaranteed yourself a spot in the pool of the soon to be unemployed! Congratulations! Yes, you will lose your job, yes, it will be hard to find another one with the economy in the shape that it’s in, but YES, you also do get a vacation from working!*
With the proposed cap and trade bill limiting the amount of emissions companies across America can produce or they will have to pay (trade) with lesser-emissions-producing companies to comply with the limit. The companies that can’t comply or would rather not participate in the trade will just move their factories, and your jobs, to other countries!
Taking a vacation by yourself is rarely fun, so it’s going to be a social event! With an unemployment rate of over 10%, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, one in every ten providers for their families do not have jobs! With over ten percent of the United States’ population already on this vacation, the party will just grow! The more, the merrier, right?
But surely, you must say, the United States government cannot afford to send more of its able-bodied citizens into vacation when the economy desperately needs us to be working! Obviously they would enjoy the vacation less than we would, so they are doing all they can to stop this from happening! Can you believe it? They have a couple ideas to keep us from our much-deserved holiday. Firstly, according to the New York Times, President Obama himself said that the cap and trade bill will create new green jobs "that can't be outsourced." Oh darn. By creating jobs, and on top of that, jobs that cannot be moved to other countries, this bill will surely keep us busy, right?
Haha! The joke’s on them. According to reports by the National Manufacturer’s Foundation and the American Council for Capital Formation, the cap and trade bill will allow up to 2.4 million Americans to party while only 1.7 million people getting the green jobs that suck the fun out of everything. If I can do math right, that still leaves a possible invite list of 700,000 American people.
Anti-vacation idea number two: set tariffs on goods imported to prevent the jobs from moving out of the country. This idea is actually a threat of working, but it isn’t going to be put into action until 2020, so we’ve got a solid decade off, and that is only if the economy can survive until then!
Don’t worry though, while you are on your work vacation, the environment of the United States will improve gradually over the next forty years, so you will have nice weather and clearer skies…eventually!
No need to worry about those illegal immigrants taking over our stomping grounds anymore either, they will be too busy working in the American factories in their own countries to have time to try to sneak into our country! Maybe, just maybe, the Mexican government will welcome you with open arms into their country in return for the kindness we have shown their people in our land.
I know this may not be the most, if any, of the American people’s dream—to be forced into an unpaid break, but it’s okay, because the government is promising that the loopholes will be tied up in 2020 when a trading tariff will be placed on imported goods, hence taking the appeal out of outsourcing, so chances are this won’t be permanent! If you just start saving food and what money you have now, you’ll probably be just fine, so don’t worry. The prices for every product that has a high-emissions production will skyrocket, but who needs those things anyway? I mean, really, we can live without gas! Just think of this whole thing as getting in touch with nature, in every way imaginable. Thank you US government for this opportunity. We can’t fully express our excitement and appreciation.
*Vacation indefinite. The US government is not responsible for any negative side effects which may include hunger, loss of home, or even death. See to your Congressman for details.